If I Were A Boy

In Eyes Wide Open In the Red Light District, reader, Admittedly Rude but Genuinely Concerned (ARGC), asked a few valid, honed, and thought provoking questions. As you already know, the questions he posed are questions that I ask myself, grapple with and battle with daily. Questions that deal with intimacy, honesty and commitment. He asked questions that I’ve repeatedly asked on this very blog… and have tried to answer over the past few days, weeks, months, years. Specifically, he asked:

How do you feel about wasting someone else's life and time. I mean your partner's. I mean are you that apathetic that you can't conceptualize the incompleteness you cause in someone else or are you so selfish that for whatever reason you want financial or emotional stability you will string someone along in such a long and terrible lie?

It's not my place to say whether you love your boyfriend or not, but your posts clearly say (not suggest) you don't. Why be such a bad person, Alain? We aren't computers that can be reformatted; nor are we the stars; [nor] everyone else’s supporting bit characters to fit into a neat narrative about our lives.

ARGC, in the coming days and weeks, I will continue to do what I have been doing since I started this blog. And that is >> continue to share my journey with you and address the concerns you raised the only way I know how >> genuinely and truthfully. Do I feel awful for the secrets that I keep? Of course. Do I feel that I'm making up my own rules as I go? Yes. And frankly, that has to change. But I want it all to change with minimal collateral damage and controversy.

Have I been taking things/him/My Man for granted?
Yes... and no!
And does it hurt?
Yes.
It hurts for both of us.
I see it in his eyes.
Every day, I try to connect with him.
And every day, he tries harder to connect with me... and I push him away.
But he's extremely patient.
And I'm trying to hold on to this love.
But at the rate I'm going, I'm going to lose him...
And at the rate he's going, he's going to lose me....
We are going to lose each other if we both don't do something different.

Who ever said relationships were easy to navigate?

Yes, we are not computers; and neither do we play supporting roles in a neat narrative. But what we each are, are characters. Principal characters in the game called life. Principal characters that become conscious-thinking and decision-making principal characters within our own and other lived stories. We are each more than just numbers. Each of us are characters – and for the better and for the worse, we individually script a billion conjoined stories each and every day.

And that's why I've been trying... my best... to change things these last few weeks.
I've been resolving my other "issues"...
... and like all "couples", I've been involving him in the process of helping me.
I've been making additional efforts to connect...
... to re-ignite the butterflies that I still do have in my tummy for him.
I know that I'm not fulfilling his sexual needs...
I just need to express to him how he's not fulfilling mine.
In spite of this, he's doing everything to hold onto my hand... tightly.