The Sex Addiction Epidemic

Let’ play 20 questions.

Is sex addiction real?
Are our social-sexual mores changing?
Is sex addiction a personal addiction or a growing social problem?
Is it an issue of impulse control?

Can we blame it on smartphone apps like Grindr, Jak'd, and websites like Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Dudesnude and the 'have an affair' site, AshleyMadison.com (that proudly caters to over 12,005,000 [married] anonymous members)?

Is it caused by the fact that we’re increasingly becoming connected?
Is it a joke?? A farce??

Do your online forays lead to offline activities that become so chronic that they are negatively affecting every aspect of your life?

Newsweek says sex addiction is rampant, Salon insists it's a myth. What’s the truth? Let’s try and get to the bottom of this shadowy subject. Chris Lee of Newsweek/The Daily Beast says, “It wrecks marriages, destroys careers, and saps self-worth. Yet Americans are being diagnosed as sex addicts in record numbers.”

Anna David of The Fix writes, let’s face it:

“You can’t turn on your television, click on a website or see a movie at the multiplex these days without tripping over sex addiction. From the brilliantly disturbing NC-17-rated Shame [sic]— to Bad Sex, the Logo reality show about sex addicted liars, cheaters and misogynistic loners (Logo wording, not mine!) to the hype about the upcoming sex addict dramedy Thanks for Sharing [starring Gwyneth Paltrow and Pink], sex addiction has certainly become our cause du jour. It’s safe to say that when squeaky-clean Gwyneth Paltrow signs up to play a nymphoniac, the issue’s gone mainstream.

But how much of the noise about sex addiction is accurate and how much of it is pop culture hysteria? In other words, with Newsweek declaring sex addiction an epidemic and Salon countering with a piece that it’s not even real, what’s the real story?”

“Saying that sex addiction isn’t real is like saying that the world is flat,” says Shame director Steve McQueen, who, along with his co-writer Abi Morgan, interviewed numerous clinicians and sex addicts as research for the film. What surprised him the most as he talked to the people he ultimately based his film on was that “when people imagine sex addicts, they picture freaks but these were normal, everyday people—albeit people who suffered from immense self-loathing and shame.” (The movie title is no accident.)

Self-loathing and shame aren't new emotions to drug addicts and alcoholics—some of whom, in sobriety, discover they're addicted to sex (or food or gambling or fill in the blank with anything addictive).

When taking stock of sex addiction—on both the personal and clinical level—it’s important to stick to the facts,” says Anna David. While the constant parade of sex scandals can certainly help edify the public about sex addiction tossing around labels willy-nilly doesn’t help anyone. As Alexandra Katehakis, the Clinical Director for The Center for Healthy Sex and the author of Erotic Intelligence says, “Usually where there’s smoke there’s fire so if somebody is doing something once, they’ve probably done it twice or three times and can’t stop doing it.”

“Sex addiction isn’t like diabetes,” says Robyn Cirillo, a psychotherapist for over 30 years who practices in New York and specializes in trauma. “A doctor can’t do a blood test and tell you whether or not you have it. Like with other addictions, it’s self-diagnosed. And when clinicians diagnose people, it’s dangerous because it scares them and is very shame inducing. The best we can do is educate people so that they know what is and isn’t proper therapy.”

Here are a few pre-selected comments left by people concerning this confusing issue:

“I hate to be that guy - but sex addiction is bullshit. It's like saying there is an addiction to happiness. Biologically sex is our primary motive from an evolutionary standpoint. I am usually having 2-3 casual "fuck buddies" at a given time. It's definitely not classy, it's a stupid fucking risk I'll admit and one I'm well aware of - but it's definitely not an addiction. Like everything else it is lack of personal control and the ability to delay gratification. We all love sex. I do maintain I will never and have never cheated on someone though. (Sex addiction is no excuse for being a dickhead).”

“Like many others here, you're generalizing your own experience to the whole idea of sexual compulsion. It's not a compulsion to love sex, or to live the lifestyle you're living. If it works for you, great.”

“The whole point of addiction (or compulsion, in this case) is that it takes over your life and you feel powerless to stop it. You hate it. It wrecks everything important to you, and you still can't stop. You have yourself because of it. That's what this article is about, not people who love sex.”

“You are right that sex addiction is not an excuse for being a dickhead, but it is a real thing. If you had experienced any form of serious addiction that you tried and failed to stop, you might find it easier to believe this. The technology now exists to show that for a person who is susceptible, looking at pornography - and online pornography is particularly effective, for some reason - causes the brain to react almost exactly the way it reacts to crack cocaine. Sex becomes an addictive activity for these people because they then crave the experience again and again. Not everyone's brain reacts this way. Some people become addicted to alcohol, some to heroin, some to endorphins (exercise addiction), some to meth, and so on. Sex addiction cannot be used as an excuse for anything because the betrayal and pain the addict causes cannot be excused. Sex addiction may be a useful explanation, however, in the cases where it's present, because it gives the addict a chance to work on the real problem instead of blaming him or herself for being a bad person.”

For additional reading, we also suggest this blog – written by a Husband of a Sex Addict. When he found out that his wife was a sex addict, he also quickly found that there are very few resources available for spouses of female sex addicts. His blog aims to educate and provide support to husbands, ex-husbands and others looking for guidance and fellowship.